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Four Hours Without a Smoke Does This to a Person ... April 14, 2005
wow, my little dearies, i've been away in exhaustion-land for what seems like forever. the fog hasn't lifted really, but here i am, touching the laptop for the first time in two weeks. dunno. here recently the thought of typing just made me sick. no reason really, just hated the thought of ims, blogs, talking to anyone. i talk to enough people at work, block out enough of this inflowing human waste that some people try to call communication to go around inviting even more human contact. i've been working my ass off trying to gather the funds to get an operation for my new cat. fucking little bitch-assss thing doesn't even like me that much. i've kinda been hoping she'd be stupid enough to try a jump out one of my two and a half story high windows and go splat before i had all the moola i needed saved up. no dice.
in other news, i'm slowly but surely weening myself from the smokes, mostly because i recieved news from my local smoke shop that my precious bali hais will soon no longer be availible due to that fucking tsunami taking out the factory. probably just a stupid uninformed piece of misinformation coming from a cigarette store clerk who doesn't know crap, but it seems as good 'a reason as any to cut down a little more. three a day this week. two a day next week. one a day forevermore. oh, life is so mundane right now for me. can you tell what with all this boring ass complaining i'm doing? i work. i complain about my cat. (no! not that!) i eat cheap food. i watch waaaay too much cartoon network. sometimes i sleep a couple hours and then get up and mope around until it's time for yet more horrible customer service at the job. i feel like choking every time i look over some pee stinking old lady's package of depends, and staring deep into her cateracts, i ask her, "do you have your CVS card with you?" no one ever does. it makes me hate them more if that's possible, just because they don't even think enough of the place that is my life right now to be able to remember their discount card, even when they know they're coming here. there's the college students buying beer with fake id's treating me like i'm something to laugh about later. they think they're getting away with it. they're all jumpy and full of adrenaline, all ready to tell everyone what an idiot the cashier must have been to fall for such a cheap immitation. i think i've seen about five completely different kinds of "Ohio State Driver's Liscences", enough to know anyways, that at least four of the five designs i've seen are likely not issued in Ohio or in any state for that matter. sometimes kids used their older sibling's expired liscenses. i love to point out that it's time to take a new picture when i see that old trick. but most of the time i don't look at their id's, even if they show me. i just line up my eyes so it looks like i'm reading, get a real official, real serious look on my face, and focus on someplace in the air a few inches out. i do sometimes get a good silent laugh when some thirty-five year old lady tries to show me her id, like i would seriously consider her young enough looking to ask to see it. i don't care, though, i simply do what i always do and pretend to study it like i'm some sort of authority figure or something. ha ha, lady. and in five minutes i'll be scrubbing the floor of the public bathroom you just stunk up. now show me your id quick-like or i'm telling everyone how freakin old you really are. and with the boys, i don't even take the time to flirt like i would have a year ago. in fact, my disgust with the people i see every day, especially the pretty ones, makes me loose even the fake friendly smile i usually plaster on for most of the other customers. the only thing in this tiny world of mine that reminds me i'm still alive is the fear that this might be all there ever is for me. darkness. darkness of another day of customer service rises over me, clouding out any sense of self that i once might have possessed, and washing over me with the cold red light of dying flames. i was burning bright & hot. i am soon to be extinguished.
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