M Y S T I C�� T A C O�� S T A N D

The Five Stages of Bill Bereavement ... March 02, 2005

1. DENIAL - this first stage usually initially occurs at the mailbox, but can continue on for weeks, even lasting into the time when the bill collection agency starts making angry calls in the middle of the night. the first sign that you are in this stage is that you will catch yourself writing "return to sender" on the outside of the envelopes that look like they might be bills and sticking them back in the mailbox. if you're actually stupid enough to OPEN the bill and read it (meaning you're beyond the point of no return) you will feel sure you never made all those calls to 1-900-SPANKIT, despite the fact that this month you managed to use the entire box of kleenex and bottle of hand lotion you keep by the phone. you might make some calls to the people you recieved the bill from, trying to explain to them why you don't think you owe some or all of the money they say you do. if this stage is not properly dealt with, and the bill collectors begin to call, you will eventually find a man named Bubba from Collection Co. at your front door. at this point, it is best to move on to stage two if you want to keep your lungs.

2. ANGER - this is when you realize that bubba is an asshole. your best move here is to go get your shotgun and aim it directly at bubba's head. this will bring you to stage 3.

3. BARGAINING - when bubba, the big 'ol sweety-pie that he is, fearlessly removes the shotgun from your shaking hands and re-aims it at YOUR head, this is the time to begin the bargaining stage. specifically, bargaining to keep your own head intact is the usual choice in this situation. you are most likely to be allowed to live to see stage 4 if you tell bubba you're going to get your checkbook.

4. DEPRESSION - once you've paid your bill and sent bubba on his way, you will fall into a sudden depression caused by not being able to afford to buy cigarettes for at least a week. be sure to seek counceling if you find yourself thinking of suicide, as this is a common but sometimes dangerous reaction to not having your smokes.

5. ACCEPTANCE - eventually, you will come to the conclusion that, though bubba is still an asshole (now an asshole who's still got your shotgun), you probably won't be able to get to the bank in time to cancel the check before he cashes it. though you might still feel bad about having wasted all that money on something so pointless as paying bills, you will eventually either forget about it due to a drinking binge or simply resolve yourself to more consoling phone sex time. either way, you will realize that sometimes bills are inevitable in this life, and you must keep in mind that bubba will eventually be back, probably next month. if you're really ready to get over the always traumatic experience of bill paying, you will soon find yourself wanting to buy another shotgun with the money you set aside to pay next month's bill. you'll show him next month!

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