M Y S T I C�� T A C O�� S T A N D

My Flickering Monitor Has Finally Driven Me Insane ... December 02, 2005

eh, i am sitting here tonight thinking about how my complaining always goes in cycles.

what i mean by this is that i can only go for so long before i have to come back around and start complaining about the same thing again. over and over, in the period of about a month, i suffer through the same fucking shitty life again and again. starting with my first memory (a dream about shooting someone in the face because they had murdered my lover) all the way through to the present moment filled with confusion, me at a complete loss as to where i am going, what i will make of myself. (i'm 23 and i work for my parents, live with my parents, have one person to hang out with at the present moment. god, let me tell you how much my parents are eating up this shit, too. this is what they've always wanted from me. NOOOOO!)

anyways, this next burning compost heap of words is what i am really getting to. a resolution, a consolation prize to numb the pain of failure. to numb the pain of this failure being the thing my own fucking parents seem to want most from me. (it's sick, you know, wanting your child to depend on you forever. rejoicing because you child is failing, falling, becoming weak so that they can't help themselves. it gives you POWER. ugh. it's as bad as parents who make thier kids seem to be ill so they can reap the benefits. sympathy from peers. and absolute power over another person. but it's so wrong. IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING KID!)

so anyways, the consolation prize. i've made a resolution. let's see if i can stick with it. since my complaints seem to run a cycle, to tell the sick, sad, sob story of self over and over, i've decided to go an entire month without writing a normal diary entry. afterall, if you've occasionally checked in with me on and off over the last couple years, you're probably getting bored of the same old shite. (boo-hoo, insert generic bad memory here.) what am i saying? you, whoever you WERE, are now long gone. i'm just talking out into the ether. talking to get it out because all that shit i've had to bottle over the years, no matter how many times i pour it out, there's still always residue down inside. ick.so instead, i am going to make something up. a new continuing story, for at least a month. it might be sick, sad, sobby and soggy as usual, but it won't be MINE, and it won't be anything from all the things i've posted as i go over all this shit again and again. i'm basically pledging myself to writing a month's worth of entries as someone else. maybe two someone elses. (more?) dunno, we'll just see how i feel about it when/if i get to it.

i always say that the past doesn't matter. doesn't effect you if you don't let it. really, i don't believe this. it's just my way of keeping from having to dredge up bad moments in time, from having to relive a nasty thing that happened in front of someone who probably, deep down, doesn't care to know.

i hate the entire human race. being treated as an outsider for so long has turned me into a watcher. i watch them. listen to people talking in the next aisle over through an open spot in the supermarket shelves. go to restaurants alone for the sole purpose of paying rapt attention to the conversation in the booths around me. sometimes i feel like i'm gathering information for some grand purpose. like someday, the alien mothership will come pick me up and download all this information i've gathered for them. but that's just my imagination. it's fun to speculate. it's a good way to kill time, pain, etc. but what all this watching from the outside has done for me is make me realize that i can't reconcile who WE are, all of us, all humans, with what we THINK we are, or at least what we SAY we think we are. what we really are is a pack of double-thinking hypocritical liars. we lie to ourselves and others. i've never met a human being, myself included, that actually said anything i would consider truth. sure, we know FACTS, but facts are based on evidence, and from what i see, if you look hard enough, twist things around and rearrage things just right, you can make evidence that supports just about any "fact". i'm sick of us. every single last one of us deserves to die.

so i'm killing myself for a month. doing an experiment, right here ... or something. maybe, when i come back, i'll have smmething closer to this truth thing to talk about. dunno. i don't expect too much. but then again, if you don't expect something big and exciting to happen, then...

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