M
Y
S
T
I
C��
T
A
C
O��
S
T
A
N
D
the FEAR ... March 24, 2006
what are you so afraid of, little one?
once, i told someone about a recurring dream i have been having with increasing frequency in the last year. each dream is slightly different, but always, every one of these dreams features me in the process of traveling somewhere. in the middle of my journey, though, i always end up waylayed at some horrible travel's outpost. sometime it's a roadside rest-stop, sometimes it's a highway diner in the middle of no-wheres, sometimes it's a random house where i've begged the owner to allow me to use their phone to call for help. no matter what kind of place i've ended up, though, it always stinks of nervous sweat, despiration, nail-biting helplessness. i can't even describe to you what those sorts of things smell like, exactly, but if you ever catch a scent like that, you'll know it. it's that distinctive. anyways, so things will always go horribly wrong at this point. usually, the disaster comes in the form of rising water. i'll be looking out the window of the place, waiting for help to come, and i'll notice that the nearby stream has suddenly flooded. it's pouring over, it's spreading like a lake, it's coming up to the foundations of my temporary sanctuary. the rest of the dream always consists of my frenzied panic, my despirate clawing at SOME way to escape from the rushing water, and finally, my realization that nothing can be done, that i must drown. the dream ends there.
after i told this particular person about my dream, he looked right at me and said, "it's time." not really wanting to admit i completely understood this, i said, "what?" he said, "the rising water is time."
i admit it. time is what i'm so afraid of. not only am i afraid of the infinity of time, as any sensible finite being ought to be, i'm also afraid of time in general. the way it always seems to be passing me by with me never having done much of anything. i realize that it would be madness to wish for time to slow down and wait for me, but my problem is that i just can't keep up. my problem is that i seem to be much worse at this keeping up with the passage of time thing than most people are. i'm losing time. i'm stuck in a waiting room of life. the water is rising. i am panicing. it may be too late. my only solution at this point may be to drown.
- previous - next -
- the old -
profile -
leave a note -
contact -
DiaryLand makes me put this link here.
Please click on it before they cut off another one of my fingers!