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Fuck Birthdays ... October 16, 2004
it was my birthday but i hardly noticed. the digital display on the phone at work read 9:05:34 pm 10/13/2004. i remember the exact moment simply because i realized it was the first time in my life i went an entire birthday without even realizing what day it was. it made me feel so freakin old. i remember when i used to await my special day and think happily about it for weeks in advance. on the day-of i would sping eagerly out of bed and spend the day floating on a happy birthday cloud. for my 21st, i still had some expectations and was bitterly dissapointed when no one even called to say happy b-day, let alone took me out drinking. this year, after the embittering experience of spending a landmark birthday alone in the campus library and then following that up by shivering in the front seat of my car with a bottle of cheap gin to keep me company, i was ready for the dissapointment. i halfheartedly devoted a few minutes of gloomy thought to the subject and then simply forgot when the actual day came around. maybe i was blocking it out so i didn't have to suffer like last year. all i know is that when i see or hear of someone's friends throwing them a big 21st birthday bash, i feel intense jealousy and then i simply feel like either crying or cracking someone's neck. perhaps it was better that i subconsciously repressed any excessive thought about my 22nd b-day. that way i didn't suffer as badly as i could have. that way i didn't freak out and pop in someone's face or something. in the couple of minutes it took me to type up this entry, i've already worked myself into what feels like a towering rage. thank god it's almost 4 am or i think i'd be on my way to one of the honkey-tonk bars around here in search of an excuse to break a bottle over some poor schmuck's stupid head. no. instead i think i might consume the remainder of these shrooms i was saving for james, swallow my 600 mg of ill-gotten dex, and lay here and wallow in my own emotional filth.
bottle it up. bottle it up. set it back for later. bite it back. and swallow down. don't let them see your chewy center.
ah. the hallucinations are back again, and they're actually more vivid than ever. before, they were like paper cutouts of animals that would turn to face me no matter what angle i viewed them from. now they are three dimensional. in fact, just the other day, i watched a completely black (save for the white, pupil-less eyes) pug dog follow me imploringly across my grandmother's livingroom. it might have been cute save for those haunting eyes...
and man, do i miss my wabash boys.
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