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I Am Full Of Excrement ... December 27, 2005
so there's a person in my life right now that's somehow become pretty important to me. our time together is limited. not like that's anything new. in the realm of human reality, all situations are limited. eventually, everything comes to an end at some point in time. still, it's something of a comfort to me that i can see the end coming, give or take a week or two. you know, we all sit around and wish to live forever, but when it comes down to it, we are relieved when the end is upon us. it gives us something of a feeling of control to be able to know. as if knowing an event is coming is actually connected with our ability to control it. it's not that i want this person to exit stage right as he is likely to do in the next six months or so. i certainly don't have any control over whether or not he's leaving my life, but the knowledge of when and how somehow gives me an illusion of the control i otherwise would not have. but, as usual, i digress.
it's just that i've always gone through life trying to squelch my hatred for the way i see the people around me acting. i have told people i loved them before, but only because circumstance dictated that this was the proper course of action. really, i don't believe in love, at least, i don't believe in love as it is described by our modern definition. love is a word too sullied by pop culture and it's "love at first sight" romance stories to be of any use to me, at least. along these lines, the battle scarred portion of my soul is often heard to say, "I'd rather have a good lay." the soft, chewy caramel center of my stupid little girl heart is rarely heard from these days, but when she does manage to speak up, she says something more along the lines of, "I'd rather have a real connection."
in another person, all i really ever wanted was someone i could approve of fully. someone who hasn't been disabled from being able to do anything for themselves by the consumerism that swirls around us like some kind of hurricane force wind. it's telling us that the only good things are things that a person can buy. so many people have sadly accepted without question the premise that, "Home-made is dead. Homemade is second rate. instead, if you want good things, you must go out and buy them. it's the only way." i've merely wanted to be around someone who was as much themselves as is humanly possible, despite the immediate drawbacks that come with the removal of the society-friendly mask.
well, no matter how short our time is, i can still make the best of it. i have no idea how he managed to pass through the meat grinder of American society so nearly untouched. but i am determined not to hinder him, not that i really believe he would allow me to do so if i tried. i'm simply not interested in making him conform to the traditional rules that most people apply to a relationship. i want him to be all natural. i don't want him walking down the street somewhere, wanting to do something, but being afriad of what i would do if i found out he did.
well, for now he calls me his girlfriend, and i certainly accept. i like the way he does business, through and through. i hope he knows i wouldn't hold it against him if he fell to temptation in my absence, though. who knows better than me that the desire for sex often causes a person to do things they later feel bad about? hell. how many men have i destroyed with my own illogical desires? how many times have i wanted to melt away in shame after observing the damage i have caused to other people's lives. i mean, sure, they weren't innocent bystanders by any means, but if you were there, if you had seen some of the shit i've pulled on some people, just to get off on how bad it would hurt them later, well, you would probably agree with me that they didn't deserve anything THAT bad.
well, this time around, and in the light of finding a person i really like after having had to fake liking so many, i choose to atone for my evil deeds by building someone else up. but not just any person. fuck no. i was waiting for someone who i believe deserved it. and. when i say build, i don't mean that i intend to bend this person to my will. since i already like him for what he is, i am simply happy to be there doing what i can to encourage him in whatever he already had in mind. perhaps you, yourself have never had anyone out there, really rooting for you, and not, as with family members for instance, because societal norms dictated that they must. it really helps. someone who wants you to be you. wants you to have what you want.
but don't worry, i'm not walking around deluding myself into thinking that i am not getting anything out of this situation. i wouldn't be sticking around if this wasn't worth it to me. what i get from it all is that this person seems to provide me with that real connection i've always wanted and didn't think could really exist. since all human relationships are transitory if you look at the big picture, the infinity of time and space and whatnot, i don't really feel i ought to be too worried about the fact that this won't be going on until the day i die. instead, i am simply happy to try and give him something he can use in return for what he has given me. i get a restored hope that there are, occasionally, people who are worthwhile to connect to out there. in return, i hope he feels that he gets someone to encourage and support him who is not obligated to do so but who instead merely chooses to.
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