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Never the Door ... June 31, 2004
the clock i accidentally unplugged the other day is flashing the wrong time at me like a glowing red reminder of my terrible disregard for my own present and future. i think i might have jumped off a metaphorical cliff. ah well, as long as i can still feel the my feet on the ground it means i'm not under it. yet.
i can't understand it. why is it that i can never win?
if for some unexplained reason you wanted to make a film to represent my life you'd only need one set. imagine a girl in a maze made entirely of brick walls. she runs full speed and takes turns randomly, without knowing where she's going. the reason she runs like this and doesn't take her time is because there is something unseen but obviously horrify that won't stop chasing her. every hallway she turns down, though, eventually leads to a dead end. every time she finds another brick wall blocking her path, she becomes more frustrated. by the end, she's throwing herself against each dead end, crawling up the walls. her face is bloody from impacts, her arms are torn, her nails are broken off from climbing. in the end, she's covered from head to foot in blood and raw skin. the film would end with her on her back, screaming like an angry child throwing a fit and tearing at her hair.
it just seems that i never get what i want. maybe it's just that i want too much. i dunno. how can a person tell if their desires are too many? even being conscious of exactly what they want, the person will still want it.
really, i just want all the things other people seem to get for free. i'm willing to work or pay for them. but no. it's always the dead end for me. always the brick wall, never the door.
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