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My Scene, Violated ... August 12, 2004
My Scene Dolls
Lampooned, Impaled, and Otherwise Violated
By the Sharp and Pointy Penis of My Tremendous Wit
- Another Shameless Crapfest by Mystictaco Corp. -
First I will explain what a My Scene doll is for those of you who haven't been overexposing your poor defenseless brain to the pulpy soup that is pop-culture. (Overexposure, in this case, is defined as any exposure whatsoever.) Okay, so to the point. There are these so called dolls That have been out for a few years now. You've probably already heard of them, although it's likely you have also repressed the memories of it in an effort to retain your sanity. I'll help you remember. Imagine a barbie, now chop off her nose and step on her head until it resembles the shape of a squashed tomato. A My Scene doll has to have that "i just got my faceskin restretched at the plastic surgery clinic" look. Finish it all off by cooking her in the cancer box/tanning bed until she's melty and golden brown, sucker-punching her in the mouth so her lips will swell to epic proportions, and attiring her in the latest hooker-ware. Add a name that ends in an "ee" sound and, voila! That's your basic My Scene doll. Now, add in horrifyingly racist and sexist steriotypes to make the different versions of and there you have it.
Let's go through ALL the different variations of the My Scene doll, shall we?
There's the sassy black girl. I guess we're lucky she's not named Moesha or Shaquanda. Hey, I have an idea, lets give her some overexagerated massive cushion-lips. No. Steriotype. Bad. (Is is possible to strike a toy company with a rolled up newspaper when it misbehaves?)There's the classic Whitey McBlonderton, aka Barbie. With her bright yellow hair contrasting with that crispy brown tan, she looks like her skin could be used to upholster the seats of my car. Ew. I just love her unrealisitcally white-blonde hair and pale blue eyes. Hail Hitler!
If i must pick my favorite, it's "anonymous asian girl". She never talks. She stands on the outside of the group, shoring up the numbers, evening things out, helping barbie look good and caucasian by comparison. Her lips just a little bit thinner than the others but still so poofy it looks like she's been selling nickel blowjobs at a porn convention. But she's not that kind of girl, of course. Instead, she merely feels a strange eagerness to dry clean your shirt.
Next, meet the girl you can't really tell for sure what the hell she is. Spicy latino chick? "I'm the brunette who's just as pretty as the blonde-haired blue-eyed women are" girl? Is she hailing from the Middle East. Maybe she's an American Indian. No, scratch that. Indians remind us Americans that we are bastards, so Indians are bad. But whatever she is, she's specifically designed to cover all those "other" demographic groups. After all, gotta keep with the spirit of the other dolls in this line and make with the PC.
There's another blondie thrown in the mix for good measure. She's got blonde highlights, and a slightly different name than barbie, which is what makes her so completely unique.
astly and probably leastly is some random red headed bitch. Like all the other girls, she's got a name that ends in a cute "ee" sound. Unlike all the others, though, she's got red hair. Wow. Look at that red hair. I bet she's rebellous and interesting.
There are also these so called "boys" in the My Scene world, too. Excluding the one who looks like a pissed off lesbian, I must surmise that the rest of them are male simply for the fact that they have short hair. But they are so, oh, what's the word? Oh yeah. Pretty. They are pretty enough to give a straight man a boner as long as they keep their unfittingly masculine names to themselves, that is. I think one of them is even named "Hunter". If he was real I'd kidnap him and sell him to a band of hicks on the condition that they'd let me watch while they repeatedly cornholed him until he died from internal hemmoraging.
FROM THIS LINE DOWN IT'S ROUGH DRAFT AND THERE'S NO GUARENTEE THAT IT'S WORTH READING JUST YET
So these dolls are really annoying. I have always been one to hate barbie. (Coming soon to a journal entry near you, a link to my series of short stories called The Smooth Spot, given as evidence to show exactly how much I hate barbie and all she stands for.) But these My Scene dolls are beyond horror for me. They are the culmination of the ideas originally presented through barbie. You should see the playsets that come with these pieces of shit. Boutiques, cars, cell phones, the latest fashions. At least the old barbie had a bathroom playset. These new monstrosities exist only in malls, in hot cars, at the beach. They never go home, unless it's to change into another of their impossibly expensive yet completely revealing outfits, which they only wear once. They exist in a state of limbo where there are no restricting parents who might foot the bill and yet you simply can't imagine them lowering themselves to take a job to fund their excessive decadence. Where does this money come from, then? I come to two conclusions. Either My Scene Barbie and her flashy friends are a band of high priced whores and giggalos, or they have been robbing local convenience stores and living off the profits. Either way, are these the kind of people you want your children immitating? Lord knows that's what I want for my kids. Seriously. I think that would be pretty cool.
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