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Playing In Traffic ... November 30, 2005
all alone tonight. sitting here with alot of various thoughts, plans, etc, running through my head. some of them can't be posted here for reasons i might get around to explaining in a later entry if they're still relavent. i see that, in the very near future, i might be finding myself in one of those life situations that scare the hell out of most people. can't talk too much about it, though, because this is one of those things where saying things out loud might make the worst possible scenerio come to pass, while keeping my mouth shut might make damage control possible. eh, but for some reason, aside from this maybe being a big, traumatic moment in my life that has the potential to alter the remainder of my existance, i don't really think i'm terribly afraid. even if the worst possible series of events is about to occur, i don't feel that sensation of rushing adrenaline pumped fear that i would typically experience when something BIG and potentially BAD is heading straigt at me. and also, it might not be bad, but just BIG. perhaps that's why i'm not yet afraid of this thing i keep rambling on about. i don't know for sure whether or not i am heading towards a disaster. there is the potential that instead of creating misery for me and others, this might be the beginning of something good. i feel like the parent who discovers their child playing in the middle of a busy street, only i am both the child and the parent. as the child, i feel that i am perfectly safe, mostly because i don't know what's coming. i'm setting out into a swirling world of loud, fast adventurous magic without realizing that adventure is a dangerous business, that i can actually be harmed. but then, as the parent, i see the speeding autos veering and swerving to miss the child, and i know there is a very real possibility that this child could be run down. or that they could escape or i could save them, and in the event of the last two, they would then have a marvelous childhood story to someday tell people about the time they spent an hour dancing with danger, dismemberment or death and did not get caught.
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